


Listening to File Name: VoiceLog_TS.mp3

by noconceptoflife



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Voltron really killed one of the two confirmed mlm huh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-16 07:59:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16081859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noconceptoflife/pseuds/noconceptoflife
Summary: Adam listens to a recording made specifically for him, now that the senior officers are finally done processing it.





	Listening to File Name: VoiceLog_TS.mp3

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [File Name: VoiceLog_TS.mp3](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15408126) by [sloppy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sloppy/pseuds/sloppy). 



> I don't go here anymore after season 7, but I love Adam and I loved the fic this was based on more than just about anything I've read in the Voltron tag, other than this author's Lance/Kinkade story which is also really baller. Check it out.

  
  


Adam was upset.

 

Most of the time he was too tired to be angry, or sad, or heartbroken. He had missions to do, people to protect, reports to write, and not enough time to process things. That was something he had to deal with, ever since he thought Takashi died he didn’t have enough time to cope. In those first few awful weeks, he took time off. He cried himself sick and then some, and then had to tape himself back together in time for grading final essays.

 

It wasn’t enough, of course. In day to day activities, he was tired. Tired and sad, and not okay. Food didn’t taste as good, music didn’t sound as nice, and the sun felt like a giant fluorescent bulb in a dull chalk-blue ceiling. The man he loved was dead, and the world was sucked clean of vibrancy.

 

He coped. He forced himself to cry once a day in the shower before going to work. Now that work was suspended and he was fighting off alien invaders he had less time to think about Takashi. He only had enough time to eat, take care of himself, sleep, and fight for his home. Sometimes he didn’t have enough time for those. There were times Adam was running on three hours of sleep that he got from inside his cockpit. Sometimes he would skip a meal and would chug a bottle of yogurt and call it lunch. He would go for three days without bathing because an hour of sleep was worth more than the discomfort of greasy hair.

 

He wasn’t allowed grief. Adam would be angry about it in a few years if he lived past this, but for now he was too tired to be anything other than determined.

 

However, there were exceptions.

 

Sometimes he would blow up at an officer that made him waste time when he should be doing something else. Once he hit his thumb with a wrench and ended up spiking it so hard into the ground it cracked a tile. After accidentally starting to text Takashi about the shit day he had, he cracked his phone screen.

 

Once when a friend had asked if he was okay, and Adam cried on her shoulder. He passed Takashi’s memorial photo and was so overcome for a good five minutes he ended up in a mandatory therapy session with the garrison counselor. When Keith stopped talking to Adam, Adam deleted all the pictures of Keith off of his phone. He then had to spend sixteen hours the next day figuring out how to get them back.

 

Other than that, tired described him well. He was burnt out on sadness and anger for so long.

 

Now, he was upset. He was upset because Takashi was alive, but instead of being home where Adam could eat his poorly cooked food, he was involved in this whole alien mess. When he heard that his fiance - ex-fiance, god he was such a fool, why did he break up with Takashi like this - was alive, he fell apart. Fell apart, both in a good way and a bad way.

 

Alive, but in danger. Functional, but hurt. Driven, but fate-locked. Would the highest powers that existed ever get tired of tormenting the man Adam loved? Takashi was so good, so kind, so wonderful, and it seemed like everything couldn’t let it go. Worst of all, Adam wasn’t sure if Takashi even thought about him, and that was so selfish of him. Adam was the one who broke up with him, what right did he have to feel about any of this?

 

With that notwithstanding, the second Adam found out that Takashi made a message for him and the senior officers kept it from him until they reviewed it? Adam had gotten such an intense whiplash of rage-despair that he was sure he blacked out for a moment. Whatever expression he had must have been incredible, because he was handed a copy of the message and the officer ran away.

 

So here he was. In his sleeping quarters. The simple information drive plugged into his laptop. The audio file pulled up.    
  
File Name: VoiceLog_TS.mp3 stared at him from the corner of the drive. It was five minutes and thirty-three seconds long. Adam had been staring at it for the last sixteen minutes. He checked his emails. He checked his messages. He checked his emails again. No emergency broadcasts. No alerts. It was quiet. He couldn’t put it off any longer.

 

Adam took a breath and pushed play. He heard rustling first, and then  _ “Hey. It’s me.”  _ came from his speakers.

 

Adams' eyes itched with the sudden rapid filling of tears, but he refused to let them fall. He didn’t want to dedicate any thought to anything other than Takashi’s voice coming from his laptop.

 

_ “If you’re listening to this, Dr. Holt’s probably already given you the rundown on everything.”  _ Takashi’s voice said from his laptop. The tears overflowed, and Adam sniffed. Yeah, Holt had been the main source of information, and Adam had met with the man a few times. He hadn’t let Holt get too much in his space or in his business since the man had survived and Takashi didn’t. It made Adam ashamed sometimes with his line of thought. Holt had a wife and children, while Takashi had him and Keith. Love didn’t care about logic or reason. He was still bitter, then.

 

_ “I—um… Keith’s safe. I know you’re worried about him. Except he’s not with me now, he’s with this-this secret rebellion group out somewhere and I don’t really know his exact location. But he’s safe, basically.” _

 

That sounded so much like Keith that Adam hiccuped out a laugh. Keith was safe, then, and still causing trouble across the galaxy. Adam sometimes missed Keith more than Takashi, because Keith had still been alive, but distant. It was reasonable. Adam was sure that they reminded each other too much about Takashi to bear being around each other. Again, love didn’t care about the reason, and Adam had learned to love Keith as much as Takashi.

 

Takashi cut himself off before he can ramble further.  _ “Uh. Jesus. This is harder than I thought.” _

 

“Yeah.” Adam said out loud. His voice was hoarse and croaking, but he didn’t feel right leaving Takashi in silence, even if it was a recording.

 

_ “I’m not sure how much detail Sam went into, so I guess I should go over the important things. I was… abducted, after Kerberos. I’m lucky I don’t remember everything. Ah, well, that’s not entirely… I remember enough. My right arm—they took it from me. Gave me another, a cybernetic one.” _

 

Adam curled his hand into a fist. He was too emotional at hearing his fiance’s - ex-fiance, damn it, he blew it - voice to be angry, but he would later. The world never let Takashi get a fucking break! It was so unfair, and unjust, and Adam was going to curse the universe for the rest of his life for putting the most perfect man in the world through the wringer like this.

 

Takashi spoke further _. “I-I have to tell you, that’s not the only thing they gave me. It took me some time after I was rescued and more time on this ship until I finally realized: I hadn’t taken my meds in months. No cramps, aches, pains—nothing. I’m actually stronger than I’ve ever been. Adam… _ ”

 

No. No way was this possible. Adam’s heart was slamming in his chest. There was no way this was happening. Takashi was going to fake him out and-

 

_ “Adam, they cured me. The disease, it’s gone. All the doctors the initiative can afford and it’s a damn evil space witch that ends up finding the cure.” _

 

Adam leaned back in his desk chair with his fists pressed hard to his eyes. In all his wildest dreams Adam never thought this would happen. He’d been prepared for the worst. He understood that Takashi’s terminal illness would take him early. He’d been ready to take care of Takashi while bedbound, put away the money to support him when that happened. He hadn’t thought about curing Takashi because it would be cruel to love a man under expectations like that.

 

_ “Obviously, it came at a cost. But now... now it feels like I can see past this war. Past all this, like my future is my own. And you know what I see? God, Adam. I can only see you. Us.” _

 

Adam gritted his teeth against the tidal wave of feeling that crashed over him. Hope and desperate, wild love filled him so suddenly he thought he might drown. Oh, he loved Takashi so much that it threatened to swallow him up, and this was confirmation that it was still returned. It burned, but in a way that didn’t feel horrible for once.

 

_ “That day at the apartment before takeoff—I think about it all the time and what would have happened if I listened to you.” _

 

“You and me both.” Adam choked out.

 

_ “We would have gone on with the wedding like we planned. We’d bribe Keith into a suit. There’d be ice cream cake at the reception. Cookies and cream. First order of business after would be to finally move out of that crappy apartment. Get a house, a good one, out in the suburbs. Would we adopt, eventually? Imagine Keith as a big brother! I’ve always wanted a girl.” _

 

Adam had no idea. Kids were a distant, hazy thing that was talked about in terms of hypotheticals. If Adam had his perfect ending, he would be a teacher until he was old and grey, with a nice house and a few kids and pets. Hazy, but now it was crystal clear. After this was over and they won, and they  _ would,  _ Adam would adopt every kid he could get his hands on. A girl, first, as Takashi wanted.

 

Takashi paused.  _ “Do you think that’s too selfish? Thinking that way? If it is, I don’t care. Leaving you was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I still do. Some days it’s almost like I only miss my flesh-and-blood arm because it’s a hand that once held yours. Every night I don’t dream of you, there’s a nightmare in its place.” _

 

Adam sometimes considered his dreams about Takashi to be like nightmares, no matter what. That the dreams about just being with Takashi would turn bitter and sour when he woke up thinking Takashi was dead. He was glad Takashi didn’t have to go through that, though. If Adam could be a comfort to Takashi in these dark times, then he would have gone through a lot more in the time Adam thought he was dead.

 

_ “You said… You said you wouldn’t wait for me, that day. Even if you didn’t mean it, or, hell, maybe you did—the Garrison ruled me dead, so I’ve heard. That-that must’ve been… I can only think of what I’d do in your place. You said you wouldn’t wait for me, so if there were—if there was another guy, after all this time… I’d understand.” _

 

Takashi clearly didn’t understand the depth of Adam’s feelings for him. It would have taken at least four years before he’d ever think of dating someone else. This amount of time was nothing. Now, Adam was sure he’d love Takashi to his grave, and no man could change that. Not while Takashi was alive.

 

Takashi scoffed.  _ “ No, well, as much as I’d restrain punching the lights outta him…” _

 

Ah, that was the man Adam knew and loved. The man who pretended to be a stickler, but then brought home an angry preteen and dotted on the boy until the end. The same man who Adam once joked about thinking another boy in class was hotter than him. Shiro made a point of sitting between Adam and that guy whenever they had class together.

 

_ “I’m sorry. It’s just—time’s passed, I know that, but I feel like I could wake up any day now to your burnt pancakes.” _

 

Adam snorted. That was one time! Shiro was a worse cook. Maybe he was projecting.

 

_ “It’s been a lifetime and it’s been a day. Missing you… it hurts more than my sickness ever did. Whether you still want me or not, I have and always will be yours, Adam.” _

 

And Adam would be his. Adam was screwed to hell and back, but if it was for Takashi then it would be worth it. All this pain, this trouble, he would bear it if he could only have Takashi with him again.

 

_ “No matter—” _

 

Knocking sounded from the recording. Adam perked up and opened his eyes as if it was his own door, but of course, it was not. Shiro and the stranger’s voice was distant, talking about a Hunk and the main hanger.

 

_ “Adam? Sorry, that was one of the kids, Pidge. Remember Sam had a daughter, Matt’s sister? He’s scheduled to leave for Earth today. Wait, have I even mentioned the kids yet?” _

 

He hadn’t. Was that where Holt’s daughter went? He had heard Holt talk about her a while, but Pidge wasn’t a familiar name. It was probably a nickname.

 

_ “They’re amazing. Other adults would crumple under this kind of weight, but they’ve taken it like champs. Call them heroes. ‘Soldiers’ leaves a bad taste in my mouth… I wouldn’t be here without them.” _

 

Adam was already thinking about buying every single one of those kids a personal one-on-one meal to thank them for that. Anything that brought Takashi joy like that would deserve that at the least. Anyone that saved his life like that deserved even more. Dinners, and gift baskets, and front row seats to their wedding.

 

Ah. Getting ahead of himself. Adam snorted at his line of thought. Well, it wasn’t like he wasn’t planning his and Takashi’s wedding within a week of their first kiss.

 

_ “Though, you know, kids are still kids. One of them… I can see something’s—wrong. Really wrong. But it’s not like the Garrison here; every time I try to set aside time for them personally, it seems like an open invite for some life or death situation to eat it up, and suddenly I’ve got bigger worries on my plate. It’s as if the universe can’t be bothered to care for us as much as we care for it. I’m the last person to doubt this cause’s importance, but I’ll be the first to admit it takes more from us than it gives.” _

 

Adam frowned. Takashi sounded… sad. Sad and guilty. Adam couldn’t imagine this. Takashi having to stretch himself so thin for all these kids and then worrying about a single person’s needs. If anyone could get that done, then Takashi could, but Adam knew those kinds of thoughts could be dangerous. Takashi wasn’t Hercules, no matter how much the man so badly wanted to be.

 

_ “I have to go, Adam. Please don’t worry about me. I’ll be home before you know it. You think I’d let myself die without eating your overcooked rice ever again? Yeah, right! I’m going to come home.” _

 

Adam would hold Takashi to that.

 

_ “Oh, by the way, this is Takashi.” _

 

The voice recording ended. Adam checked the time. 22:34. He would need at least seven hours of sleep, and he was due to wake up at 5:00 sharp.

 

Adam hit the button to make the recording replay. He could do six hours, he needed to soak in the voice of the love of his life. He deserved it after all that he went through.

**Author's Note:**

> Songs I listened to while writing this
> 
> Sam Tsui - Worth It  
> Coco - Remember Me
> 
> Also, writing this made me really emotional because a lot of Adam's grief is based off my mom's reaction to my dad passing away. I hope I'm doing the original fic justice, and that my stuff comes across in the way I meant it to.


End file.
